It’s called SELF esteem – the esteem of YOURSELF.

I’ve been struggling with my self-image lately. Sometimes, I love almost everything about myself, but sometimes I don’t like myself very much at all. (“Typical Gemini” is what my friend Art would say, but I think it’s just typical human.) Someone once said to me that I try really hard at life. (I think it was a compliment.) I tend to be a little obsessed with self-improvement and trying to be the most perfect me that I can be, and most of the time think that I’m doing a pretty good job. (Working on being okay with “not perfect” has been part of that self-improvement process.)

Lately some incredibly challenging adult situations have sent me reeling and questioning myself and my decisions. “I must just not be good enough” is the voice in my head. Sometimes followed by “what the hell is wrong with you Tori Nichelle – be different, be better, be right.” (I sort of feel like I’m going a little crazy, but that’s another post all together.) While most of the time I think I’m super-duper awesome, at other times I find myself unsure if I have value to others, and am unsure if I’m deserving of the life I want. Thankfully in a hail storm of anger and disappointment falling on my head the last few months, there have been an incredible amount of cheerleaders trying to be louder than the voice in my head to remind me that I am deserving. It’s had me contemplating a lot about why I can’t own my life, and why I rely on others so heavily to build up my self-esteem. Part of the goal of this space is to give me a place to revel in how much I love myself – to list and brag and be proud. I want to fill these digital pages with reminders that will soon be a tangible collective of “me” things to lean on when I start to doubt myself. I want to find my way back to loving all of myself, and to find constant value in me despite the situation around me.

This morning it has me thinking about this clip. I LOVE Katt Williams special “The Pimp Chronicles Part 1”. It’s less comedy and more motivational speech with a bunch of funny in it. I will stop channel surfing 90% of the time when it’s rerunning on Comedy Central, even though it’s much less funny when it’s bleeped every few seconds. It makes me feel good every time – and is filled with tiny little nuggets like this one. Fun little reminders that situations and other people shouldn’t influence how you view yourself.

Today, I choose to say that I’m awesome. I’m deserving, and I’m in control. I get to make the choices that best suit me. Life is long, but you only get one – so live it full and life it loud. Life is hard, things don’t go my way, things change and challenges come. But none of those challenges change that I’m awesome. I will (try to) no longer let the “trifecta of disaster” rule how much value I see in myself. I’m going forward in honesty, integrity, intention, gratitude, love, internal strength and purpose. I will have what I want and need in this life – because I think I’m pretty amazing – even if not everyone thinks so.

BEST QUOTE EVER: “Not everyone is going to like you Tori – Do you want to be awesome to Mitt Romney?!”

Uhm, no. No I don’t. I just want to be awesome to me. (I’m pretty damn sure that my hippie “feeding and educating a healthy society” liberal ways aren’t exactly what he’s looking for in a best friend, and I really like those ways about me.)